cheers darlin' - to you and your lover boy

I've chosen to write about this here. I usually write about these things elsewhere, but this time, I'd like to leave this open and public. These words would be supressed elsewhere...and I don't want that now. It's not for attention, its to give you an idea of what's going on in my head. It's to give you an insight as to what inspires and breaks an artist like me.

I've given up communicating with some people. I talk, and talk and talk, only to get questions that I've already answered, and only to watch their eyes glaze over the TV, watching the latest good deed that Oprah has taken upon herself, while i continue to talk. I'm tired of her not listening, and I think I'm giving up.

I give up easily sometimes.

As for other things. I can't really describe what it is I feel towards a few people. You can't be upset at someone who doesn't know that what they've done is wrong...not necessarily wrong, but hurtful. And I can't be upset with someone who is simply just out of reach, but gives me what he/she can of himself/herself. (which i like to think is alot) The whole love-like spectrum is a bitch.

you win some, you lose some.

hope all is better in the real world, x -tanya

She didn’t know why it bugged her so much. Was it simply mocking, or was it all just in her head? The faces reminded her of everything that was, that is, and will be. It left her disarrayed in all the emotions she had been suppressing with hazmats. It was her reality; laced with harshness. She looked back in anger.

Things had changed, and as satisfied as she thought she was regarding the results of these changes, the inclination of wanting more dominated. The sting of wanting something she couldn’t have struck her with utter bitterness. Thoughts raged, and as they took a stroll towards the worst, she realized that it was time to put an end to the longing. The longing of wanting the present and the past; the longing of having a life that put two characters on the stage. One silent, and on that projected false bravado. It was no longer a possibility; maybe it was never even an option.

‘It’s over now, get on with it’ she had to tell herself.

At one point she remembered thinking she could mend it all, that she had the infinite power of gluing back the broken pieces that had become her past. But time, and most of all people, wouldn’t allow it. Despite everything, despite the crassness she identified her life with because of these sudden changes, she liked it. The change, that is. But she hated it at the same time. It was a love-hate relationship between her and her choices.

This ‘new life,’ or whatever she excused it as, didn’t feed. She could no longer thrive on its versatility. This new life, new path if you want to get metaphorical, that she had embarked on in the past few months no longer sufficed. The path had suddenly come to a crossroad, an she wondered if she would find anyone walking beside her if she took a turn towards familiarity.

She highly doubted it.

In the end, it was the indifference that killed her. The indifference was too much for her. She hated it; hated them for feeling it. But she knew it had been her doing; her mess, her mistake. Sometimes you really can’t fix what you’ve broken.

She turned up the radio, and took the last drag.


x -tanya

a tribute to the broken:

The Be Good Tanyas - In Spite of All the Damage


If I wanted to say to you
That I wanted to see your face again
That I want to hear you laughing
In spite of all the damage I've done

If I wanted to hear you talkin'
Or to hear your sense of things
Or to call you up on a sunday morning
In spite of all the damage I've done

Well I broke up our home and left you nowhere to run
Yes I broke up our home and left you nowhere to run

I'm living out my days away
I think you understand that I could not stay
But I like to hear you laughing
In spite of all the damage I've done

In spite of all the damage I've done

be ready hypocrites.

hope all is well.

x -tanya

ps. there's beauty in the breakdown.

So I have a week-long subscription, I consider myself lucky. I don't know if da is giving everyone one...but I'd rather not find out and think its pure luck that I happened to stumble upon it. If I like it I'll subscribe for a month or 3. We will see.

On another note, I need more submissions. I'm off to a party right now, maybe I'll get some nice shots here and there.

I will take advantage of this week, therefore you will see me more often.

Au revoir, Hope all is well in the real world,

-Tanya